Ben- This is such a meaningful article and get so much at what "safety and connection" mean and how social norming messages can have such a profound impact on taking small social risks and believing others are there for you, especially for our young people. I support many leaders in humans services and non-profits in understanding their nervous systems and the often competing priorities of our nervous system to connect and to survive. One of the ways I have personally worked to live more into a life of safety and connection is seeking to switch from "watching to see if I am included" to embodying "warm, welcome, safety and connection". Taking small risks. Mark's writing below on young people not wanting to be a "burden" really resonates for me. I've especially heard teen age boys and young men say "if I ask for help, that means I am weak"........I've experienced boys I know walking in the pouring down rain instead of asking a fellow team mate for a ride or asking if they want to go out to eat with them. Like the mangroves and the amazing way trees are connected underground, all of our nervous systems are connected below our conscious awareness.
That shift you describe, from watching to see if you're included to embodying welcome, is a powerful reframe. And the image of boys walking in the rain rather than asking a teammate for a ride is the empathy perception gap in its most concrete form. The help is right there. The belief that asking for it means weakness is the barrier. Thank you for your comment and engagement!
"They didn’t teach social skills. They didn’t provide therapy. They showed people data about each other and encouraged them to act on it. That was enough to reshape social networks months down the line."
This beautifully illustrates that people are not broken mechanisms waiting for an expert fix. Humans are far more capable than we are often led to believe. When provided with the right context and encouraged to act, we, whether young or older, tap into those innate strengths, and our natural capacity for deep connection readily emerges.
There is so much here Ben. Not complex much but, simple, important, and powerful. What you have here has fallen squarely into the world I reside in with my crisis counseling. And into the dark corners of my daily life. I'm going to pull hard on the reins of wanting to yap on and on about what you have here and just focus on what I see IRL in my work and life. And dare I say for everyone else to feasts on the cornucopia of all you've presented beautifully.
First of all my go to phrase when I'm crisis counseling. Especially with the teens and Gen Z's who question if sharing matters. Ya know that dang "empathy perception gap" they carry. I say, Connection is at the heart of our humanity. When we connect and share we become more human. Inevitably a few will ask why I do this work. I say I listen because I know what it's like not to be heard. Hearing your words makes me more human. I learn from you. It is not just you finding calm. I find my humanity because of you.
The word empathy is key here. It is the first step that demonstrates "The door is less closed than it looks." I focus and advocate more for step two, compassion. Empathy will take us only so far. It is a passive moment in my humble opinion. Compassion is a verb. It is an action word. Showing up is action. It is that connection to another that creates that humanity.
When I'm chatting with the kiddo's I will always ask do you have a trusted friend who is there to listen? To be there for you? Nine times out of ten they say I don't want to be a burden on them. They are riding their own struggle bus. I go mmmm I get it. That just shouts your compassion. Ya know what it seems you'd be there for them. A light most of time goes on and they get it.
I may then say hey that compassion you have for others that you have in multitudes maybe you give it yourself. Give yourself grace, kindness, and gratitude. So you can heal. And help other heal.
Ah hell I can't shut up about this brilliant piece Ben.
One more IRL example. A dear long time friend called me just now. They fell down a flight of stairs. Bleeding and broken. Ended up in a a level 1 trauma center. It was not good but they are 'ok'. My friend related the experience in the ED.
"I got care. The staff was attentive to a point. No one really said "My name is xyz. Here is what I'm going to do now." But the x-ray technician came in said Hi my name is abc. What is your name? I'm right here with you. Let me get some film of your ankle. What do you do for fun? I like to do." My friend said that made all the difference to me in that moment. They showed up for me. SHOWED UP!
I will end this tome with "The door is less closed than it looks." Y'all just show up for others. Show up for yourself. Listen with empathy. Put what you hear into action with compassion. There is no need for a policy paper here. Just you, me, and them. We got this cuz we showed up.
This is the whole piece come alive in practice, Mark. thank you!The distinction you draw between empathy and compassion is important; empathy as recognition, compassion as action. That's exactly what the Stanford researchers found: it wasn't enough to shift how students perceived each other. The intervention worked because it nudged them to do something with that perception. Show up. Take the small risk.
And that moment with the x-ray technician, "Hi, my name is abc. What do you do for fun?" That's the whole thing. That's the mangrove root nobody sees until someone makes it visible.
Thank you for sharing how this lands in your work. The line about kids not wanting to be a burden hits especially hard to me. That's the empathy perception gap in real time. The fact that you can help them see that in a conversation is exactly the kind of intervention this research is pointing toward. No policy paper required. Just showing up. You rock!
“Every year, a large number of people living in our towns and cities — the homeless, suicides, illegal immigrants, junkies, drug 'mules', victims of crime and, above all, old people living alone — are found dead. Sometimes, they are not discovered for weeks or months, and it is often hard to ascertain who they are. Their funerals are held without relatives or friends and acquaintances being present; the only people in attendance are the pall-bearers, perhaps someone from the Department of Social Services, the cemetery management and the funeral director. In Amsterdam in 2002, the poet and artist F Starik, deeply moved by the desolation of these solitary funerals, initiated 'The Lonely Funeral' project and seven years later in Antwerp, the Flemish poet Maarten Inghels set up a project of the same name. The idea of the project was to establish a network of poets who would write a personal poem for the deceased person based on research into their life and read it out at their funeral as an affirmation of their existence. To date, well over 300 'lonely funerals' have been attended by poets in both cities and volumes of prose and poetry about some of these forgotten lives have been published in Amsterdam and Antwerp respectively.”
Showing up can happen any time anywhere. Even in death there is connection. Those doing this are showing their full on humanity when it’s most needed. Bravo
Ben- This is such a meaningful article and get so much at what "safety and connection" mean and how social norming messages can have such a profound impact on taking small social risks and believing others are there for you, especially for our young people. I support many leaders in humans services and non-profits in understanding their nervous systems and the often competing priorities of our nervous system to connect and to survive. One of the ways I have personally worked to live more into a life of safety and connection is seeking to switch from "watching to see if I am included" to embodying "warm, welcome, safety and connection". Taking small risks. Mark's writing below on young people not wanting to be a "burden" really resonates for me. I've especially heard teen age boys and young men say "if I ask for help, that means I am weak"........I've experienced boys I know walking in the pouring down rain instead of asking a fellow team mate for a ride or asking if they want to go out to eat with them. Like the mangroves and the amazing way trees are connected underground, all of our nervous systems are connected below our conscious awareness.
That shift you describe, from watching to see if you're included to embodying welcome, is a powerful reframe. And the image of boys walking in the rain rather than asking a teammate for a ride is the empathy perception gap in its most concrete form. The help is right there. The belief that asking for it means weakness is the barrier. Thank you for your comment and engagement!
Thank you for highlighting this reality.
"They didn’t teach social skills. They didn’t provide therapy. They showed people data about each other and encouraged them to act on it. That was enough to reshape social networks months down the line."
This beautifully illustrates that people are not broken mechanisms waiting for an expert fix. Humans are far more capable than we are often led to believe. When provided with the right context and encouraged to act, we, whether young or older, tap into those innate strengths, and our natural capacity for deep connection readily emerges.
Yikes! Yikes on steroids.
There is so much here Ben. Not complex much but, simple, important, and powerful. What you have here has fallen squarely into the world I reside in with my crisis counseling. And into the dark corners of my daily life. I'm going to pull hard on the reins of wanting to yap on and on about what you have here and just focus on what I see IRL in my work and life. And dare I say for everyone else to feasts on the cornucopia of all you've presented beautifully.
First of all my go to phrase when I'm crisis counseling. Especially with the teens and Gen Z's who question if sharing matters. Ya know that dang "empathy perception gap" they carry. I say, Connection is at the heart of our humanity. When we connect and share we become more human. Inevitably a few will ask why I do this work. I say I listen because I know what it's like not to be heard. Hearing your words makes me more human. I learn from you. It is not just you finding calm. I find my humanity because of you.
The word empathy is key here. It is the first step that demonstrates "The door is less closed than it looks." I focus and advocate more for step two, compassion. Empathy will take us only so far. It is a passive moment in my humble opinion. Compassion is a verb. It is an action word. Showing up is action. It is that connection to another that creates that humanity.
When I'm chatting with the kiddo's I will always ask do you have a trusted friend who is there to listen? To be there for you? Nine times out of ten they say I don't want to be a burden on them. They are riding their own struggle bus. I go mmmm I get it. That just shouts your compassion. Ya know what it seems you'd be there for them. A light most of time goes on and they get it.
I may then say hey that compassion you have for others that you have in multitudes maybe you give it yourself. Give yourself grace, kindness, and gratitude. So you can heal. And help other heal.
Ah hell I can't shut up about this brilliant piece Ben.
One more IRL example. A dear long time friend called me just now. They fell down a flight of stairs. Bleeding and broken. Ended up in a a level 1 trauma center. It was not good but they are 'ok'. My friend related the experience in the ED.
"I got care. The staff was attentive to a point. No one really said "My name is xyz. Here is what I'm going to do now." But the x-ray technician came in said Hi my name is abc. What is your name? I'm right here with you. Let me get some film of your ankle. What do you do for fun? I like to do." My friend said that made all the difference to me in that moment. They showed up for me. SHOWED UP!
I will end this tome with "The door is less closed than it looks." Y'all just show up for others. Show up for yourself. Listen with empathy. Put what you hear into action with compassion. There is no need for a policy paper here. Just you, me, and them. We got this cuz we showed up.
This is the whole piece come alive in practice, Mark. thank you!The distinction you draw between empathy and compassion is important; empathy as recognition, compassion as action. That's exactly what the Stanford researchers found: it wasn't enough to shift how students perceived each other. The intervention worked because it nudged them to do something with that perception. Show up. Take the small risk.
And that moment with the x-ray technician, "Hi, my name is abc. What do you do for fun?" That's the whole thing. That's the mangrove root nobody sees until someone makes it visible.
Thank you for sharing how this lands in your work. The line about kids not wanting to be a burden hits especially hard to me. That's the empathy perception gap in real time. The fact that you can help them see that in a conversation is exactly the kind of intervention this research is pointing toward. No policy paper required. Just showing up. You rock!
And not to carry this show up to an extreme there is this
https://www.swiss-miss.com/2026/04/the-lonely-funeral-project.html
“Every year, a large number of people living in our towns and cities — the homeless, suicides, illegal immigrants, junkies, drug 'mules', victims of crime and, above all, old people living alone — are found dead. Sometimes, they are not discovered for weeks or months, and it is often hard to ascertain who they are. Their funerals are held without relatives or friends and acquaintances being present; the only people in attendance are the pall-bearers, perhaps someone from the Department of Social Services, the cemetery management and the funeral director. In Amsterdam in 2002, the poet and artist F Starik, deeply moved by the desolation of these solitary funerals, initiated 'The Lonely Funeral' project and seven years later in Antwerp, the Flemish poet Maarten Inghels set up a project of the same name. The idea of the project was to establish a network of poets who would write a personal poem for the deceased person based on research into their life and read it out at their funeral as an affirmation of their existence. To date, well over 300 'lonely funerals' have been attended by poets in both cities and volumes of prose and poetry about some of these forgotten lives have been published in Amsterdam and Antwerp respectively.”
Showing up can happen any time anywhere. Even in death there is connection. Those doing this are showing their full on humanity when it’s most needed. Bravo