Speak Up or Stay Silent?
Why it’s important – but often difficult – to talk to people about mental health
For all the progress we’ve made in our efforts to normalize discussion around mental health conditions and treatment – and we’ve made quite a bit – lots of people on both sides of the conversation still struggle with how to reach out. Those who are in pain suffer in silence because they don’t know how to ask for help without seeming weak or feeling embarrassed, and those in a position to lend a helping hand don’t know how to effectively offer it.
But if ever there was a time for us to learn how to initiate those conversations, surely that time is now. Our youth mental health crisis is continuing to worsen, with a recent study showing a staggering 60 percent of college students have been diagnosed with a mental health condition. Working adults of all ages around the world are reporting feelings of burnout and exhaustion with more frequency. And the recent global rise in temperatures is threatening to exacerbate symptoms among people with depressive, anxiety, and bipolar disorders.
Signs of mental or emotional distress can sometimes be acute, but are often more subtle, and can be easily overlooked by a casual observer. After all, we can probably agree that we all experience those days when we’re just frazzled and overwhelmed, and our moods reflect that. Typically, those emotions are fleeting and tend to balance out once we are able to relax and get some rest.
But like anything in life, there’s a continuum of our mental health. Sometimes things can get worse. Some may experience more severe shifts in mood, swinging from effusive, euphoric highs to quiet, depressive lows in a very short time with seemingly little cause. There are physical signs you can watch out for, too, like noticeable changes in eating behaviors (i.e., eating much more or much less than usual) and potential evidence of self-harm like fresh cuts or burns. And don’t forget sleep!
Perhaps you’ve witnessed some of these possible signs or symptoms in someone close to you, like a family member or coworker. How do you address it? Here are a few tips to keep in mind to help start a productive, compassionate conversation with someone who’s struggling.
Find a comfortable environment to talk. No one wants to be caught off guard in front of a crowd. Ask the person if they have time to go for a walk or meet you somewhere where you can sit and have some privacy.
Show concern. Consider starting the conversation by asking your loved one how they are really doing. If they are struggling to open up, try gently telling the person what you’ve noticed that concerns you. Be clear that your interest is in their well-being, and that you want to know and understand them more fully.
Listen actively. If a loved one does open up to you, don’t just hear their words. Try to engage with what they are saying instead of simply sitting in silence. Maintain eye contact, nod your head, and offer some words of understanding and validation about how they are feeling.
Don’t judge. This is hugely important and can be the difference between making a helpful connection with the person or not. Whatever the issue is that’s bothering this person, it’s clearly a big deal to them, even if it may not seem like it to you. Be cautious about offering too much of your own perspective or comparisons, minimizing the person’s issue, or telling them that they are overreacting. The last thing you want to do is alienate a friend or loved one with a “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” mentality.
Understand that more serious intervention may be necessary. Talking is a great initial step to finding out the cause of a loved one's emotional distress. But there are times when that won’t be enough. If you continue to see concerning signs in someone after talking with them, don’t be afraid to respectfully recommend that they seek further help from a mental health professional. The process of finding the right help can be daunting, so consider offering to assist them in their search for someone who can help.
Many of us tend to be private people and hesitate to speak up when we’re struggling with our feelings for fear of embarrassment or “oversharing.” Sometimes, though, a simple discussion is exactly what we need. And you never know, sometimes just offering a sympathetic ear to someone can be enough to save their life.
This post is so important in todays world and fits my view "At the heart of our humanity is connection."
When we connect it's not an asynchronous moment. It is synchronous. As you say so well "And you never know, sometimes just offering a sympathetic ear to someone can be enough to save their life." Yet for us as listeners/supporters it can save our lives and give us hope that we have greater meaning and purpose than we may have imagined.
I volunteer crisis counsel and school counsel. As hard as that can be to hear, learn, and work hard to help others in need, my spirit is buoyed by knowing just being there and basically applying what you've shared Dr. Miller will make a difference. Each time I engage I learn more on how to do it better and I am able to integrate that into my life. To listen to myself.
My go to when speaking with others are some of the following. It is only my voice. You will find your own.
"It’s so hard to express our emotions in words that sometimes it makes us freeze up even though we want to talk. I’m here to listen to hear you. I'm here for you. This is you time."
"I'm here to right here to listen generously. And hear with grace."
This says it all. Simone Weil “Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity”