It was freezing when I landed in Grand Rapids, Michigan in the winter of 2019. Usually, I’m quite prepared for whatever climate I’m headed to, but this was a last-minute trip for an important meeting, and I assumed that I wouldn’t be spending any time outside. Grand Rapids in February is not warm, and neglecting to bring a jacket was not smart. And it was here—wanting to make a good first impression but ruminating on my packing woes—that I started to let myself fall victim to my thoughts.
At first my self-talk was reasonable: “I can’t believe you didn’t bring a jacket—how ridiculous are you?” Just a passing thought that was accurate, albeit a bit blaming. Yes, I should have brought a jacket, but people forget things all the time. There were so many more positive things to think, and ways to let go of that thought. But no, I let it sit there with me, which prompted me to worry about what others would think when they saw their “out-of-town” expert walking in freezing weather with no jacket. “Why would we work with someone who couldn’t even remember a jacket?” I imagined them saying. And the small pebble at the top of the mountain turned into a massive rockslide. I started to feel worried. I was angry at myself.
It does not take much for thoughts to reap havoc on our emotions—and even our behaviors. I remember getting to the restaurant in Grand Rapids early in the hopes no one would see me walking in without a jacket. This thought trap could have been avoided had I just been able to step back for a moment and see how ridiculous it was for me to let a common mistake affect my entire trip—and likely my performance in my meeting. But this is the way thoughts are: they can be surreptitious and ambush us before we know it.
All of us have been in similar situations. Perhaps it was not in Grand Rapids, but there’s a high probability that you have assaulted yourself with some “stinkin’ thinking” at some point in the last week. You know the thoughts, the ones that you have that aren’t so kind about yourself. Daily our thoughts can impact our emotions as well as our behaviors.
Despite how much we may want to poke fun at positive thinking “gurus” or the repetitive affirmative mantras they preach, the things we tell and believe about ourselves really do matter—especially if we are infecting ourselves with negative thoughts. When we say to ourselves, “I’m worthless” or “I’ll never be successful,” that type of talk can sink in and affect what we think we deserve and should aspire to, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. In fact, negative thinking can have all kinds of adverse health impacts, including an increased chance of developing dementia.
There are so many great resources out there on how to address your thoughts. Reaching back into my clinical days, I recall some pretty simple strategies that can help.
Know your mood. Our emotions often impact the tenor of our thoughts and how we treat ourselves. Identify how you feel: Are you hungry, cranky? Did hearing of a colleague’s success send you into a spurt of jealousy? Did a heated phone call with a sibling raise your hackles? Remember, you’re not worthless—you might just need some quiet time, a break from a stressful situation, or even a quick walk around the block or a snack.
Track your thoughts—and evaluate their accuracy. Are you really a failure just because you didn’t get that account or forgot your jacket? Do your friends really hate you just because you skipped out on Sunday brunch in the city? Would others really judge you as harshly as you judge yourself? Trying to look at our thoughts with an objective eye can help us break from the this negative thought trap. Total self-awareness is an admirable goal, but even those of us who feel self-aware are sometimes driven to tell ourselves things that aren’t true.
Reexamine your language. Stop using over-generalizations (like “I always fail” or “I will never be good at that”) that suck all hope out of the room. What we tell ourselves matters—and that includes specific language choices like “always,” “never,” and “total.” Try to put things in proper context and give them a positive spin: “I failed this time, but now I know what to work on for the future.”
The good news? The literature shows that if we can change the thoughts we have about ourselves, we can also ameliorate our overall mental health. The more positive our thinking, the less likely we are to drag ourselves into depression with brutal attacks on our own self-worth. Such a reversal will improve our physical health, too. For example, positive thinking has been shown to improve our cardiovascular health as well as our immune response.
We can be pretty brutal on ourselves. Paying attention to our thoughts is just another way we can begin to prioritize mental health in our lives. While there are books and books that can be written (and have) on thoughts, let’s not let forget some of the basic things we can do to take better care of us.
Thoughts that matter (and those that don't)
Great food for thought!