When is enough enough?

How to manage tragedy after tragedy

I was on my morning commute this week doing some version of what we often do, flip between NPR, some combination of music that my daughter wants to listen to, or just talking about the day. This moment, our time was focused on NPR where a harrowing story was being told about one families journey to survive in the middle of a war. The Israeli family described, in great detail, the kidnapping of their son and their fear for his life. It was compelling radio, and also horribly upsetting.

As a trained clinician, I am used to hearing hard things and knowing what to do with them. I was processing this NPR story in my own way when I looked over at my daughter and considered that she may not have these skills and that it might be a good time to turn off the radio as it just felt like too much. It felt so heavy this small moment, and we are thousands of miles of way. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like for the families in the middle of a warzone.

But when I back away, I see that in a very different way, we are in a warzone of sorts here in the United States. Not only are we managing the profound loss of life in Israel and Gaza and what we do in response, we are also dealing with our own tragic issues. From the horrific shootings in Lewiston, Maine to other mass shootings over Halloween weekend, it’s almost too much to manage. Consider that there have been 17 mass shootings since Lewiston. That’s 35 people dead due to mass shootings in one week, and 93 people injured. And these are just the mass shootings - not inclusive of the any gun violence where less than 4 people were shot.

It makes me nauseous to write this. We are literally watching people die around us and we can largely point to why. But today’s post is not about gun violence or even war, it’s about how we as a society can manage all these experiences in a way that doesn’t bring us down.

But manage we have to.

There are so many facets of these tragedies that are out of our control. Trying to control them only wrecks our mental health and makes us more frustrated. We can’t stop a war, and we can’t get snap our fingers and get common sense gun laws passed. My friends, there’s a lot of scary things happening in the world right now. We have to acknowledge this, do what we can to help, and also do whatever we can to take care of our own emotional health.

I was prompted to write a bit about what to do this week after appearing on the Words Matter podcast with my friends Norm and Kavita. You can hear the whole episode here. While we didn’t get into some of the specifics below, we did talk about these issues more globally and what to do about them.

To that end, here are a few things that I see as foundational for helping us manage all the emotions we are likely feeling in this moment.

Emotional Awareness and Acceptance: To manage our emotions, let’s start by acknowledging them and accepting them as a natural part of being human. Pretending we don’t feel isn’t on anyone’s short list of successful strategies. Recognize and validate your feelings without judgment. Be gentle on yourself as you may not know how to manage all the emotions coming your way. Understand that it's okay to experience a wide range of emotions, both positive and negative. Only once we recognize and embrace our emotions can we do something about them!

For you parents, this includes talking this out with your kids. They may not know how to name their emotion - help them. Sometimes, especially in younger kids, emotions can be physical symptoms, e.g. stomach aches, headaches. Help your child begin to name how they feel even if it is hard to describe. These skills matter in the long run, and considering all the stress that they will face in this society, being able to point out your feelings matters to beginning to do something about them.

Healthy Coping Strategies: From awareness to action - we have to stablish some plan, some coping strategy to manage our emotions. This includes the obvious things that most people talk about, e.g. relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, but can extend to any exercise that helps you express your feelings constructively. Think of the power of talking to someone you trust, journaling, or engaging in creative outlets like art or music. Exercise, a balanced diet, and adequate sleep can also be a huge benefit! And again, with our kids, they are going to need an outlet, too!

Self-Compassion and Patience: Finally, be compassionate and patient with yourself and others. Understand that our emotions are dynamic and may change over time - especially as we are confronted with more tragedies. Avoid self-criticism or unrealistic expectations. Give yourself time and space to heal and recover. It’s perfectly fine to step away from the news, to turn off the radio or television. Sometimes practicing self-compassion means giving yourself a place to breathe and manage you. Setting boundaries is also important, and can positively contribute to your overall well-being. When we do these things, not only do we feel a bit better, we can show up in more healthy and authentic ways to those around us.

There’s no easy way to say this, but things are not going to just spontaneously get better. Without urgent action, shootings will not stop, war will not end. Violence is contagious and has an ongoing ripple effect in our society. This means we need to best prepare and protect ourselves throughout this journey we call life. Our success will be rooted in our ability to manage ourselves, our emotions, and lean into taking action wherever we can.