Avoid the Thanksgiving trap

Why year-round gratitude matters for our health, happiness, and relationships

Thanksgiving is often viewed as a season of gratitude--a time to celebrate our blessings, enjoy a few days with family, reflect on what is important to us, and, of course, eat too much turkey. On its face, none of this is bad. Nevertheless, when it comes to Thanksgiving, most of us fall into a common trap.

How is that, exactly? After all, what could possibly be wrong with a little gratitude?

The truth of the matter is that there isn’t anything wrong with giving thanks. Quite the contrary. But the mistake we make is in thinking that gratitude should only play an elevated role in our lives for a few days out of the year.

Beyond the simple fact that saying thank you is a good habit to develop, there is a significant body of academic research that shows how expressions of gratitude make us healthier, happier people. For example, in a classic 2003 experiment, scholars demonstrated that individuals who kept a regular journal of things for which they were grateful experienced higher levels of well-being, including happiness, more frequent exercise, and fewer negative health symptoms, than those who only reflected on hassles they faced or more neutral events.

Plenty of additional research supports this finding. Neuroscientists have discovered that feelings of gratitude positively stimulate the hypothalamus (which regulates stress in our bodies) and the ventral tegmental area (which plays a significant role in the brain’s reward system that produces feelings of pleasure) of the brain. Additional evidence shows that people who are more grateful in life are often “happier, healthier, have better overall wellbeing, are more satisfied with life and sleep better.” But like any intervention, it is likely to work for some but not all. (Clearly, if it doesn’t work for you, don’t do it).

Clearly, gratitude can be good for some us, and its benefits shouldn’t be restricted to just late November. But by failing to give thanks during all seasons of life, we are also making a choice about how we impact those around us. For example, in one fascinating study, several hundred people were asked to write thank-you letters to individuals who had done something nice for them and then predict how the recipients would feel about receiving such a letter. The researchers found that individuals systematically overestimated how awkward letter receivers would feel and systematically underestimated how positive it would make the letter receivers feel. In other words, while we might initially find it awkward to express thanks to others for even small acts of kindness, doing so will usually make another person’s day. All of which is to say, our decisions about whether or not to express gratitude has a significant impact beyond our own happiness and well-being; it can also shape the feelings of others.

This year, then, maybe we can think about Thanksgiving as a time to make gratitude resolutions for the year, much as we make resolutions at the beginning of the calendar year. There are three in particular that I would suggest.

1. Take time to write down 3-5 things you’re grateful for. This is an extraordinarily helpful practice, even in difficult seasons of life. I must confess that during the pandemic, some days have made it difficult to think about what I’m grateful for. And yet, all of this time separated from friends and family has made me more appreciative of them - from the small things like being able to be there every morning when my kids wake up to bigger things like having family support so my wife and I can have a weekly date night! You don’t even have to share what you have written down for them to have an impact.

2. Write one thank-you note a month. It doesn’t have to be extensive - take time each month to go out of your way and say thank you to a friend, a significant other, or a colleague for something they’ve done or even for something as simple as their presence in your life. It’s hard to overstate what this will mean to that person, and it reinforces the notion that gratitude is not something that should be reserved for the holidays.

3. Ask a gratitude question around the Thanksgiving table. Sure, giving thanks shouldn’t be limited to Turkey Day, but that doesn’t mean you can’t also take advantage of the holiday to ask people to be more reflective about their own lives! Try asking each person to name something they’ve been grateful for over the past year, or something they appreciate about the person sitting next to them. By starting a conversation about gratitude, you’ll likely open up space to encourage others to make that practice a more regular part of their lives. And who knows, it may positively benefit their mental health!  

I do want to add one small caveat to all of this, especially given what a difficult year this has been for so many of is. If you or a loved one are experiencing depression or some other mental health challenge, trying to express gratitude in any form may feel frustrating or downright impossible. For some of us, just being honest about those struggles is a great place to start. Even still, in these cases, it is so important that we do what we can to find that joy - from the little things like simply sitting with those we love to the bigger things like seeking help that may help us feel better. No matter where you find yourself, writing down positive things has shown to be beneficial for many.

So how do you plan to share your gratitude this holiday season? I plan to take a deep breath, step away from my laptop (including Substack for a week) and spend time doing the things that bring me joy – playing music, reading, and activities with the family.