Processing our Losses
Musings on how to navigate grief when you’re dealing with season after season of loss
In my post last week, I discussed the difficult topic of suicide – arguably one of the most profound forms of loss a loved one can experience. And coupled with the fact that this past Monday was national Grief Awareness Day, that got me thinking about loss in broader strokes.
Since COVID-19 began, we’ve lost loved ones. We’ve lost many of our normal freedoms, our daily routines, and even a sense of expectation and excitement about future events. And each of these losses weigh differently on us. This past week I was able to meet my nephew for the first time (and he’s almost 2!). His first look at me, hiding behind his mom’s leg, was a look of “I don’t care that you’re my uncle, I have never seen you before, dude.” It was a moment of happiness and sadness as I thought of all those moments that were lost, moments I couldn’t get back.
In short, COVID has had the kind of impact that leads to multiple different kinds of grief – on top of the pain our nation has already been feeling from deaths of despair in recent years.
In this post, I want to explore the grief we’re experiencing a little bit more and offer some ideas on how to healthily navigate the moment. But a key point here, that others have made much better than I, is that grief is not something we move on from – it’s something we move forward with. As a friend of mine once told me, “grief doesn’t end when the last casserole dish is washed and returned.” Being active in our grief can actually make us better.
THE FACTS
Perhaps not surprisingly, researchers have found that the pandemic has created countless scenarios that precipitate grief, from the death of family members to the distress caused by uncertainty around the virus. Moreover, the kind of grief caused by the pandemic has been found by researchers to be even more intense than that caused by loss under more normal social circumstances.
This uptick in experiences of grief isn’t just a reality for adults. In an analysis of conversations that occurred on the Crisis Text Line, a resource for especially young people facing mental health challenges, there was a nearly 20% year-over-year increase in messages dealing with grief.
If we want to process the wave of grief we are experiencing in a healthy way, we need to understand that grief is something to be expressed, not suppressed. In fact, it is normal and healthy to express grief, and it is natural for it to come in waves. Grief does not exist in stages - and despite what the next three “recommendations” have to offer, grief is still something we must navigate not just accept. Think of these as suggestions that have a science behind them and are helpful to some people.
THE RECOMMENDATIONS
As for how we should process and manage grief, while not a cure-all, there are three habits we can adopt to process grief and give it appropriate expression:
Write it out.
One of the quickest and healthiest ways to move forward with grief is to get it out of your head and onto a written page. Take some time and ask yourself: What am I grieving? What have I lost? What about this season has caused sorrow? Letting your experiences flow onto the page gives healthy expression to an emotion that shouldn’t be contained. And as difficult as this may be, when you write things out, share it. You might be surprised by who connects to your story and the new social networks that emerge from this process.
Don’t be alone.
We aren’t made to be in isolation, least of all with grief. So, if you are mourning a loss, whether that of a loved one, a job, or even of something as simple as a daily routine that has been altered, tell someone about it. Finding friends with whom we can share our grief is one of the healthiest and most effective ways to process our deepest emotions. And what you will likely find is that you are not alone in your grief. Most of the world is hurting right now. Being present with each other - talking it out or just sitting with it while with others - can make us stronger, healthier, and more resilient. There are several resources of online support groups that are out there.
Keep your memories.
In moments of grief, it can be easy to think that the quickest way to remove the distress and hurt that can come with those moments is to banish your bad memories, or even to forget the good memories that feel disrupted by grief. But here’s the thing: it’s OK, and even healthy, to hold onto your memories – both good and bad. Tell others about them. Celebrate what was good. Share in the sadness of what was difficult or challenging.
When it comes to grief, it’s important to remember that we all experience it differently. What worked for you may not work for someone else.
This is truly a moment to better empathize and show compassion to one another. Yes, even despite the many serious issues that divide us. So many communities and individuals have been impacted in ways its hard for some of us to understand – whether through unemployment, bereavement, or other forms of loss. But most importantly, we have an opportunity to show up for each other – and ourselves, too.
The more we share, the more we might help others.
Let’s do it.
What have you lost? How do you grieve?
I lost Donna. 28 years of husband and wife. Living with loss feels like a bitter pitcher of lemonade. My memories of us of her is the sugar I add to that lemonade of grief. I unfold my memories like reverse engineering origami Cranes so I can reflect and be enlightened by the continuous gift of love we shared. I can dwell on a my future being richer for what was, what is, and what will be.